its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize