I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
