so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
