My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
