just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
God gave him joint rollers for hands
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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