My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
These tits shall not be calmed
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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