A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
