I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
