Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
