So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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