i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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