Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
