were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Randomize
