Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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