Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
