Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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