I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
