i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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