I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
