Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Holy shit dude........stairs
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
