he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
