He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
that may or may not have been my penis.
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