Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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