Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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