just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
