I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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