Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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