I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
