when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
