Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
