did you get engaged???
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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