I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
