I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
