my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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