I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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