So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
