I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
