I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
