I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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