T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
