idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
