I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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