I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
