You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
