Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
