with your own penis?
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
