it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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