I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
