textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
