he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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