How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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