1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You can't motorboat a personality
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
