I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
