I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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