dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
