matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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