I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
