Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
