God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
