ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
