I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize