I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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