I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
